The worst part starts unexpectedly as I take the first step. I deliberately walk into the unknown each time I decide that I am independent enough to carry on without assistance. As time goes on, hours, days without problems, I complacently walk about as if I am normal. I began to feel that things are getting better and I perk up about my condition thinking that it will sort itself out.
I start to think that maybe all those other times were just flukes and nothing is really the matter. I am overreacting to my condition even though I never quite know what my condition is really.
Then I received a quick and painful reminder of why I am in this place. It is an experience that only those of us who go through it know about it. It is one of the most frightening things in the world and it can literally bring you to your knees–like it did me.I lost control of my body as I walked from my bedroom. My eyes went dark and my legs collapsed crushing down on one knee. I unconsciously must have closed my eyes because I opened them looking up at my walker that I had placed to the side in defiance. The walker seemed to be miffed almost that I did not appreciate its support. It look like it stood pitying me–awaiting me to climb into its embrace and rest on its strength. How I HATED! it for having to use it!
I loath that metal red blessing! I love it because, it supports me. It embarrasses me! But, I can depend on it! I do not want to need it, but I do.I made no sound other than my arm smashing against the wall as I fell. My wife called out in concern and I lied. I reassured her that I was fine.
I was not fine. My manhood had been again challenged and my pride wounded. Again my body reminded me that I can no longer deny my limitations and pretend that everything is okay with me. Tears filled my eyes and I quietly wept because my heart felt wounded. I have moved past the “Why me?” and “It’s not fair!” phase in my life. Now I am in between acceptance and Hope. I hope this is temporary, but I will accept my circumstances. When will I accept that
I am disabled?
When will I walk without fear again? When will I feel safety with just my own body? I am young and my body relatively strong with muscularity from my sports days covered by a layer of fat from the last few years of inactivity. My muscles feel strong, why will they not
support me? Why does my body betray me and make walking, something I have done since I was a year old, a mystery? I do not know if my body will allow me to walk or not.
So I move slowly and deliberately. I move so that my head will no swim with dizziness from standing too fast. I think that will help. I stand only to find that the dizziness is waiting for me. It taunts me.
“Go and get your blasted walker you invalid! I am still here and am going nowhere! Get used to walking in fear. Each time you stand I will be right here waiting,” Dizziness says to me.
Okay, I say back in my mind as this demon taunts me. I may have to bear your taunts demon, but I will not give up that one day I will be free of you.
“Until then,” Dizzy says back. “I will be with you and attack you when you least expect it! I will pull you down as you speak to friends. I will tug at you as you walk through a store. I will attack you when you use the restroom at night. Everything you have taken for granted, I will make you appreciate the days you had hold of your body!”
If you see me walking by with a smile on my face, know that there is fear lurking behind that happy face that the demons of pain and dizziness will strike. I live in fear that my body will attack itself and stop functioning as it should.
No; pain and dizziness are not really demons. However, I view them that way because demons whisper in my ears as I struggle and faint all the self-loathing words I need to fall
off my feet and into self-pity. Right now, my only hope is in the resurrection. I am told and I believe that my body will cleave to my spirit and give me perfect control.
I adjure all who have good healthy bodies to keep in mind that you are blessed. Your trials are different. Thank you for opening the door for me or making way for me when you could easily push pass me and hurry on your way. I pray that you can endure your trials and never would I wish mine on any one else. Right now, my trial is overcoming my pride of having to use assistance, a walker to travel. Until then, I will walk in fear.
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